War on EveryoneDVD - 2017
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I've always wondered if you hit a mime, does he make a sound?
He called me a wetback! He knows damn well I was born here! He's a big, fat, racist pig is what he is!
-Yes! He's a big, fat, racist pig. Granted. No argument there, guys. But look around. This is the police department. We're surrounded by big, fat, racist pigs.
I'm actually dyslexic. All right? And I find that statement to be highly discriminatory.
-Are you an actor? Because they all seem to be dyslexic nowadays. It used to be called stupidity.
I thought you guys didn't drink.
-How do you mean?
I'm a Five Percenter.
Rumour is he's shacked up with her.
-You have an address?
No, but I do know she works at the, uh, this club, Knockouts. Yeah. Of course, that means you two will actually have to do, you know, "Police work".
-Now, don't be getting obstreperous with me, motherfxcker. I'll knock your ass into Indochina.
"All oppression creates a state of war." Simone de Beauvoir.
-No, it's Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, the father of anarchism. It's not Simone de Beauvoir, the feminist existentialist.
I bet you 50 bucks.
- I'll take that bet.
What's thrush, Pop?
-Thrush ... is a small to medium-sized songbird.
Yo-yos were once, um, outlawed in Damascus.
It was believed that they were causing a drought.
Welcome back, boys! How did we enjoy our sabbatical?
-It was very pleasant, it was very relaxing.
--I masturbated a lot.
"Enforced sabbatical", I should have said.
--What's a "sabbatical"?
Okay. So Laurel and Hardy here, huh? Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Siegfried and Roy, Sacco and Vanzetti, Abelard and Hlose.
-Rumours are the mothers of invention.
--No, necessity's the mother of invention.
-What are rumours, then?
Silencio! Assaulting a fellow officer, that's one thing. Bribery and corruption charges against you and that's it, that's goodnight, Irene.
So why'd you become a cop? Your heart doesn't exactly seem to be in it.
-I guess I always wanted to "pervert" the course of justice. Plus you can shoot people for no reason.Nobody can do a goddamn thing about it.
-Any sign of Reynard?
No, he's still in there.
-What's going on in the big wide world? Two hundred people died in an earthquake in Peru.
Who gives a fxck? Peruvians?
Who's this arshole?
Looks like a douchebag.
-He was a really intelligent guy. He wrote a well-regarded monograph
on Andr Breton. And he had a nice dick.
I love cheerleaders. Is this part of your act?
-I'm a majorette, moron.
I love majorettes, too. I ain't prejudiced.
What happened to the driver?
-He got away.
Oh. Was he a Latin, Caucasian or Negro gentleman?
-African American, yes.
Apparently, he's a Quaker.
-A Quaker? I thought they abhor violence. Was it a good shoot or a bad shoot?
Well... that's what we would call a "contentious issue".
The vertigo is not the fear of falling but the fear of wanting to fall.
I don't think this is right, man. They're not gonna knock over a fxcking mosque. They'll have ISIS on their asses. Or al-Qaida. Hey, is it al-Qaida or al-Qaeda?
-You say al-Qaeda, I'll say al-Qaida.
I say al-Qaida, you say al-Qaeda.
I'll ask Bob, he'll know.
-Let me know what he says.
There's no plot in these things any more. Just straight in there. No preamble, no nothing.
-Oh, yeah. Take it!
Where's the romance? Starts and ends with the script.
-You ain't got a good script...
And besides, "fortune favours the bold." You know where that's from? Greek mythology.
A guy named Turnus said it just before another guy named Aeneas popped a cap in his ass. It's just like my mother said. You're too damn smart for your own damn good.
Oh, I hate murder! It really upsets me. But more importantly, where's the loot?
You don't put up much of a fight, do you? Fxcking Stephen Hawking could knock you out.
-I'm a lover, not a fighter.
What's the plan for finding Reggie? It's gonna be tough tracking him down
without anything to go on. Isn't it?
-Well, he's black. How many fucking black people do you think there are in Iceland? We just stand around here and keep our eyes open.
That's not much of a plan, Bob.
A million dollars?
-It's a nice, round number. That's my favourite round number.
We don't need a million dollars to retire.
Not if you're gonna get killed going after it.
But to put your mind at ease, I shall have a word with them. Give them a little reducer, as we say in good old England.
-Yeah? What if it doesn't take?
Eat your grapes, Russell. Eat your grapes.
I've just realised what you remind me of, Russell. A bloody Cyclops.
-I don't know what that means and you know I don't.
You never read the Odyssey at school, Russell? You do surprise me. I read it in the original Greek when I was travelling through the Peloponnese with my father.
So Reggie is gay, huh?
-If Kimberly has a dick, which I'm assuming she does, then that would make Reggie gay, yes. Possibly bisexual.
Well, what if Kimberly doesn't have... Like, if she's already...
-That's a good question. That would make Kimberly a woman, which would make Reggie straight.
-With an asterisk.
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Hey, can you be a feminist and still wear hotpants?
What are we gonna do?
-Well, we gotta call Social Services.
Might as well sell him to the fxcking Philippines.
-What, you wanna adopt a "homles" kid?
-Yeah, I can do that.
-I'm not putting him back on the street.
Do you think it's easy looking after a kid? I got two of 'em and it's not easy,
let me tell you. I mean, yeah, okay, I love 'em but I gotta feed them 24 hours a day.
There's no Glen Campbell. Unbelievable.
-Put on some Elvis, I'm sure they got some Elvis. You know he died on the can?
Him and Judy Garland. What were they doing on...
-Not at the same time.
I hate jellyfish. I wonder how in the hell it got out here?
-Maybe it fell from a spaceship. Is it true they can sting you even when they're dead?
-No, I think when they're dead, they're dead.
They're immortal, though.
Jellyfish, they're immortal. Bob told me.
-Just because Bob says something doesn't mean it's true.
Yeah, it does.
I'm telling you this as a friend. He's gonna get you killed. You know that, don't you?
-Well, with all due respect, you were never a friend of mine. You were more a glorified fxcking acquaintance.
You can't carry out that level of harassment and think you can get away with it. If the guy was an Arab, yeah.
We just came here to say that we know everything about you and we're onto you.
-You don't know the first thing about me.
Oh, story time, okay.
You know that in Somalia only men have gravestones? Walt Whitman was buried without his brain. Descartes was buried without his right hand. So you never wonder who created this whole shebang?
It's like where does the universe begin and where does it end? And if you can't tell me that, you can't tell me God doesn't exist. But then again, Pythagoras believed that after you're dead, your soul goes into a fxcking green bean.
Anyway, in 1970, Mishima attempted a coup on his native Japan. The coup failed and Mishima committed seppuku, or ritual disembowelment, if you prefer. The second-in-command was supposed to behead him at the culmination of the ritual but the poor chap was so bloody nervous that he missed. Mishima's bloody head was hanging off him, quite literally. Another chap had to step in to finish him off. Let's hope I don't miss, eh?
-You're quoting fxcking Buddha now?
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind
on the present moment.
If I don't help you, what, are you gonna bust me for possession?
-Educated man, Terry!
You know, one day, these students were taking a philosophy exam. And at the start, the tutor grabs a chair, puts it on a desk and says, "For your last test, "prove this chair exists." So everyone's scribbling away, except one guy. He writes two words, gets up, hands his paper to the tutor, leaves the class. Tutor looks at it and on it, it says, "What chair?" ...
-What does that actually mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything. It's like a Zen koan. Just ponder on it.
-Just ponder on it?
Yeah. I fxcked it up, though. I was supposed to say, "Prove the chair doesn't exist."
-Ah! So it doesn't exist, huh?
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